pishbolera is...

.. turning seventeen tomorrow! :]
and I still can't believe it. O_O

I wanna go back to my grade school days! T-T
But oh well, lol. XD

_pishbolera.

The balance of the opposites.

I remember seeing myself in the mirror wearing the biggest smile I could ever think of.
I remember daydreaming about things; that that by that time, were not too far from reality.
I remember praying that one night and giving thanks for having an astonishingly wonderful day.
I was crying that time, I was too happy.

And then that "too much" warned me.
I remembered that it always happens that such thing could never last for long, no matter how high my hopes were wishing that euphoria will stay as long as I wanted it.

I got it right. Wow. As if it couldn't be predicted.

The mirror cracked and brought back the melancholic smile I used to have.
Dreams are now a billion miles away from reality.
The prayer filled with happiness was replaced with a prayer pleading for another day filled with joy and excitement.
Happiness became misery.

"Man cannot stay in a positive state forever.
This would become his normal state, and wouldn't feel happy anymore."
--ezinearticles.com

Is this fair?
I wasn't even close to forever.
Is a blissful month enough for an empty year?
Am I sure that it was only a year?

But, I am going to get through this, right?
I've been here way too many times now.
But I guess the pain just keeps on getting worse.
And it starts to get tiring now.

Will my every chance of happiness will always lead to something like this?
Well if that's the case, I am willing not to take another shot.

_pishbolera

Please.

I just won't forgive myself if you'll ever get hurt because of me.
I won't forgive myself if it ever happens that your blissful life will be ruined because of me.
I just won't let that happen.

I already gave too much pain to everyone else.
Please don't let it happen to yourself as well.
My conscience wouldn't handle it.
You don't deserve someone like me.
You deserve someone better.

I've been there way too many times, and it's better if I'd go through this all by myself.
Coz' I'm used to it.

Please, I don't want to be the one to destroy you.

_pishbolera
남 친-야!
조심해, 알았어?!

Sanctuary.

I dreamed of a perfect sanctuary, just a couple of nights ago.
It was, incredibly perfect.
I was with my guitar, my camera, sheets of blank paper and a pen.


I have always thought that Pier 39 in San Francisco would be fine.
But my dream proved me wrong.
My dream brought me to a real sanctuary, my perfect sanctuary.
I would be truly amazed if I'd get there, physically.
---

_pishbolera
I never thought of anything like this, ever.
I am different, really different from who I was before.

i miss you pishbol. T-T

ya!
nanaginip pala ako kagabi ng,

pishbol.

yes pare. heaven ung feeling.
andun ako e, sa tuhog-tuhog ng fishball.
tapos tinanong ko pa daw yung nagtitinda,

"50 cents pa rin naman po ung fishball diba?"

haha.
nakakatuwa.
i miss pishbol na.
i miss pilipinas na.

_pishbolera.

pinaka-namimiss ko...

bukod sa pishbol ng pilipinas?

ay ang..

JEEPNEY NG PILIPINAS.

:))

nakakamis sumakay sa jeep papuntang Diliman (DPS)

tapos yung tipong umuulan pa noh.
tapos wala kang payong. :))
hindi naman kasi talaga ako nagpapayong. umulan, bumagyo. XD
tsaka yung mga araw na wala kang tulog.
sa jeep ka matutulog.

togmeks naman.
ang random.
- nakita ko kasi yung blog entry ko years ago tungkol sa pagpasok ko ng walang tulog tapos sa JEEP ako natutulog. XD

_pishbolera

I made her cry!

Lol.
Monday again.
Dang, we are all tired from the partying we did last weekend.

Nothing much to say.

What's with the title?
Haha.
I made one of our RA's cry!

Uh, uh. No worries, it was because I made her sooo happy. ^-^

We started talking about music and stuff after the night she saw me dance and stuff~
And earlier she heard me singing her songs.

So yea, then she started talking about this movie she has been looking for a long time now.
She gave me the scenes she remember and that~

Then when I was working on my PowerPoint Presentation, I remembered the details she gave me, so I gave it a shot.

It took me a few tries, then I typed this:
"what is the movie called where a family had a car accident commits suicide man followed his wife to hell"

Viola! Wikipedia! :]
I read the plot and I looked for the trailer.
I was convinced enough that, that it is the movie she's talking about.

So I texted her to try typing it up.
Minutes..no, seconds... later, she started calling for my door outside my door.
I turned off my lights, coz' I thought she'd tell me to shut my lights.

Then the first thing she asked me was, "Where'd you get this?!"
And then I showed her the trailer.
She started jumping and crying.

Man, I didn't know how important it was to her.
But I felt the tears in my eyes too.
I saw how happy she was.

She gave me a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight hug!

After that, she went out.
Then came back again, asking me if she could use my laptop for a sec.
SHE ORDERED THE DVD RIGHT AWAY!
She was like, "Come on' what you want?! Movies?! DVDs?! Anything. You can have anything right now."

But I ain't asking for anything for return. :]
It's just a nice thing to make someone sooo happy.
She said that I completed her summer. ^-^
She also said earlier that her summer is complete because she found the song she's been looking for...and it is my laptop she was using! ^-^

_pishbolera

Partaaaaaaay! XD

I had so much fun today with my UB Family.

First off, Swimming Pool mode~
Second, "Dance Night" at Levit Pavilion.

It was so fun.
How much I wanted to take pictures of everything, I can't.
Because I didn't wanna miss the fun. :]

Hay.
I feel so happy right now.

_pishbolera.

Again, this day was fun.

Friendster bulletin post:

para kaming mga batang naglaro sa daan.
sa tapat ng cafeteria after dinner :))
parang Pilipinas lang e..
sa isang tabi, may nag jjump-rope.
sa isang tabi, may mga nagllaro na kala mo ung "Pamela-mela."
sa isang tabi, may nag ssoccer
sa isang tabi, may nag football/catch
~
Little Sally walker
Walking down the street
She didn't know what to do
So she stopped in front of me
and said
Hey girl , do your thing
do your thing, stop.
Hey girl, do your thing, do your thing stop.
~
Tae. nasama ako sa larong yan.
Pinasayaw din sa gitna :x
nananahimik ako e. :))
:)) oh well that was fun~

_time flies.

last two weeks.

Back here @ oxy again.
In my room. :p
Same same room. ^^

I was supposed to be in Room 224, but I asked Cynthia Arias if we could switch, and then she agreed! :D
Thanks to Arnie. Ahem ahem. LOL.
:p

I feel sooo happy todaaaay. I dunno why. O_O
Freddy taught me Physics too :D
That was so nice of him. ^^

And yea, crap.
Do you know I forgot my toothbrush?!
I feel stupid coz' I never forgot anything for the pas two weeks.
And look what happened now. Zzz~

So yea, we're down to our last two weeks now.
Aww. Im'ma miss them.

Oh well, have to do my assignments now. ^^
Shit shit shit. I have to update the entries I missed for the past days O_O

_pishbolera

recent post in Friendster bulletin:

Subject:	X___X
Message:	i feel.. weirdly happy when I got here :x This is... weird. aww. Last two weeks. Last year in Upward Bound.

today was fun~

Oh well. Much much fun if I wasn't feeling sick the whole day.
But it was fun.

One of the most hilarious moment was when Mary & Jackie were jogging to the cafeteria.
Then we called Mary because her pants were falling down.
So we were like, "Mary! Pull your pants up!"
You know what she did?
She pulled her pants down. LOL
That was funny.

What else. Lunch was fun.
I can't remember all of the stuffs we did, I'm a little sleepy right now.
So yea, then we played volleyball.
They were surprised to see me playing, they always knew me as the quiet type.
Haha, oh well, they got it wrong. XD

Mary: "Shiela here is like our secret weapon."

Oh, and Freddie noticed that I actually do play. Like, play play. XD

What else, oh, I cleaned up much earlier than last night :p

Gaah.~ hold it.
I can't take this anymore.
Im'ma go to bed.
I'd try to continue this post tomorrow,.

tae. :))

lol.
I was scolded [well kinda']
We're supposed to be in our rooms by 10:30pm.

I was taking a shower by 10:35pm.
hahahaha. :p

Oh well~

_pishbolera.

dormitory mode.

oh well.
I'm here in my room: W-220
ROFLMAO.

I got the single one ^__^
So yea, I'm alone. But just for this week though.
All of us will be switching rooms within our 4 weeks stay here.

Tito Gary dropped us off in Dominguez Hills earlier.
From there, we got into the buses, I was with Mom and Dad.
Wow, they are talking again. Finally.
After a week and a half of ignoring each other.
We left Dominguez Hills by 4pm.

Got here at Occidental College by 4:35pm.

We got into the dorm's living room, some orientation, then gave us our room numbers and keys.
Mom and Dad checked out my room.
Mom started to unpack my stuffs. LOL.
Si Mama talaga oh. XD

Then we went back altogether to the living room.
Then Dr. Franklin said that the parents are about to leave in just a couple of minutes.
Mom and Dad gave me a kiss..
I tried to hold back the tears. It's kinda' sad, in a way. lol.
But I had the strength to hold back coz' I'll be seeing them anyway every weekend. :p
A lot of students and parents cried though.

Then we ate dinner. I was at the 'All Seniors' table. lol
Then chill in our rooms..Then meeting..Then rooms.

So yea. that's pretty much it.

_pishbolera

colontres.

How nice is it to think that I got over it?
Have I?

I don't.. really.. know.
But, I am happy.
At least, not miserable.

'Game Over'

Today is... a fun fun day, I guess? XD

So yea, it started out when I was about to enter the Loker Student Union.
They we're staring at me.
Then Tim said, "Oooh, Shiela's getting a Filipino boyfriend."
Me: "Huh? Wtf?"
Time: "Coz' you look sexxay today."

ROFLMAO.
That was hilarious.

Then Jacque & Jazmin came in and said, "Shiela, you look like a college student."
So yea, they are pretty random today.

Then time for Physics class! Lol, we didn't wanna go, we we're actually talking about ditching the class. LOL.
Good thing we didn't! We watched this movie titled 21 and it was reaaaaaally good.
I was even saying the numbers to myself when the 'keywords' are said.
You gotta see the movie so you can understand what I mean. XD

Then, Physics is over. I felt this weird feeling.
It felt like as if I really am a college student.
I dunno, there's something.. I can't.. I don't really know how to explain O_O

Then English Class, she passed back papers, she returned the poem we wrote, and mine has a comment from her! It said: I loved your poem!
It felt really good, it sounded like Ms. Burroughs.
So yea, then we wrote a Narrative Essay about this picture she showed us.

Lunch. O yea, it's the official start of summer class (though Upward Bound started a week earlier)
so everything in the Loker Student Union Hall was open.
Dragon Express was open! Jazmin was waiting for this!
But Jazmin wasn't able to get some coz' they ran out of Chow Mein.
So yea, I got pizza.

I called kumag and told him I saw this student wearing the 'Game Over' shirt that we've seen before.

Then Psychology class.
Nothing much, but the last 30mins. was fun though.
Shanehi let us play this Icebreaker Game thing, it was fun.
I didn't participate that much coz' I was recording the whole thing! :D
Tss, I need a bigger gb of Memory Stick!!! XDD

So yea, I rushed to the bus stop, coz' he's supposed to be meeting me outside.
He wasn't there -____-
I got pissed.
First bus. [No Air played in my iPod; we have a 'history' on this song XD]
Second bus.. still not there, and freaked the hell out of me. -___-
Oh but wait, I saw him at the first bus stop!
Freakin' kumag didn't get in.
I was reaaaaaaally pissssssssssed. So I called him and told him I was mad, then I hanged up.

I got home and still, I was really pisssssssed.!!
I called him and started to cry because I was reaaaaally pisssssseeeeed, I wanted to see him sooo bad. -___-
He told me to stop and told me that he'd meet me in the library.

So yea, after that I got better. LOL.
Childish much. :))

Then he gave me this shirt, OMG.
The shirt that has this 'Game Over' on it!
[A newly married couple, that says 'Game Over' with the guy wearing a sad face XD]
It was.... so.. ironic. Coz' remember I saw a student wearing this on school earlier?

So yea, he told me he has one too.
It was cute. XD

Tomorrow, we agreed that he is going to meet me after school, this time for sure.
He's not gonna be late.
Oh, and we'd wear the same shirt!
Okay. XD

So yea.
The shirt is right beside me. Gaaah~ The shirt smells sooooo like him! ^^
Oh yea, and we finally made up names for each other! :D
Yinshii and Yangchad. YinYang ^____^

Goodnight. I'm pretty tired.
I finished up my homeworks early! yey!

_pishbolera.

Superwoman~

now playing:
Superwoman by Alicia Keys

I wonder if Dad could hear what the song is saying.

"For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come"

Homaigaaally.
July 12 is the day I'll be moving in dorm for 4weeks.
I don't know if I'm excited or worried.
Excited = coz' I'd be out of the house and wouldn't feel the awkward situation.
Worried = coz' I wouldn't be here to look out for my Mom.

This ... sucks.
I don't know if 'separation' is the only key to this.
I. am. confused.
Oh well, I'd give it all up to our good Lord.
He knows what's best.

_pishbolera.

Thankful Thursday.

I'm soo happy coz' I got my Senior Portrait Appointment today!
So that means one thing:

I'm officially a Senior!!!

yey!
O yes!

The sweet fruit of hardwork!
I thought I'd never accomplish something like this.
To accelerate and all that stuff.

Oh well.
Gotta go to sleep~

_pishbol.

shit happens.

Oh well.
They had a fight again.
My Dad even hammered his cellphone. [Did I use the correct term? lol?]
Coz' that's the reason of their argument, as always.
For those who are confused, coz' you see, my Dad had this 'love affair' with another woman while we were still in the Philippines. An incident I don't really want to discuss in my public blog.

So yea, I locked myself inside the bathroom.
Turned on the shower, so it'll cover up my noise. The noise that'll come out when I cry.

It was, painful.
I felt that my body started to get numb, starting from my head, then down to my hands, then down to every part of my body.
I thought I was going to collapse.

Right now, I put on my headphones and put any hard/twisted metal songs (songs that I have never heard before; songs that I can't even understand what the lyrics are O.o) while typing this.

I remember what Tine and I talked about a few nights ago.
I told her what my reason is for always preferring to be awake the whole night when they are all asleep; and sleep whenever they are all awake.
I want silence.

a fun school day with..

Jazmin & Jacqueline

:))

Jacque: do you know why they show us those?

Jazmin: to temp us.

Shiela: *stares blankly* then laughed; I was thinking of a more logical answer.

roflmao.

:))

CHUG IT! CHUG IT! CHUG IT!

then drink.

:))

'blow the IceBreaker Mint contest' :))

This school day is hilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarious!

And yea it was my first time to order food in Subway :p

---
oh yea, I saw this street named Radlett.
Dunno, just a funny thought if I think about it. hahahaha.
It's like a small Radz; Radlett. hahaaha

_pishbolera.

First Day of Summer Class '09

copy & pasted from post in Friendster's bulletin board. :D

amf.
may pasok na pala kami talaga. :))
ayun, pinapasok ako for the college class.

hindi talaga nila ako tinigilan; tawag ng tawag ng tawag ng tawaaaaaaag.
kahit daw di ko na pasukan ung first three classes ko.
bsta daw pasukan q ung psych class.

wahahaha.
so ayun.
pagdating ko dun, binigay na ung mga libro, at kng ano ano pa.
naging dalawa ung bag na dala ko. -__-
tae.

preeeeeends.
busy mode na ulit.

nga pala,
ang daming new students. :x
kung dati nag iisang pinoy lang ako,
ngayon dumami na. :x
at meron na ring Viet.
so yea.

dami na ring wala.
TIIIIIIIIIIINE!!
WALA NA SI MS. BURROUGHS. -______-
emffnessh.

daming bago talaga lol.
naninibago ako na ewan.
ang hindi lang ata nagbago e yung haba ng biyahe mula school hanggang bahay. :x

so aun nga prends,
busy mode na.
CALIBRETZ; beach day? lol ewan ko na. :))
ow, pwede ba sa July 3? wala naman pasok lahat. wahahaha.
kayo bahala, sabihan niyo nalang ako. :D


July 12: move-in na sa dorms.

-* weekdays sched (csudh):

monday; 8:15am - 3:30pm.
tues-thurs: 8:15am - 4:30pm.
Friday: TBA

occidental college (dorms): uwi every friday night; balik ng Sunday afternoon.


oxaaaaaaaaa.
kya` kya~ kya` :x
YATTAAAAAAAAA!!! LOL.
blog mode muna. ;]

_sheng.
PS: jhang, alam ko yang quote na yan; sa Becoming Jane ko narinig yan XD

pishbol.

hm.

gusto ko baguhin ang lahat sa akin.
tutal, malaki na rin naman na ang pinagbago ko.
gusto ko ng ituloy tuloy.

hay.
oh well, back to review.

a storage room full of crap.

one year [cont.]

ramdam ko ang bawat pangigilid ng luha sa mata ko.

hay. okay naman yun araw, masaya ung college class.
pero after non, syempre pag' ako nalang mag-isa, dun ako nag-iisip ng malalim.
isa na rin sigurong dahilan yan kung bakit nagpapakapatay ako sa school works.
gusto ko ng maraming ginagawa, kahit stressful na minsan.
basta, ayoko na masyado mag-isip.
masyado lang akong nalulungkot.

hay. one year, one year.
ang bilis ng araw.
parang kailan lang.
isang taon na pala simula ng nangyari yun.

hay.
wala na ko masabi.

Sana. Sana, hawak ko ang panahon.

_pishbolera

one year.

actually mamaya pa.
hehe.

hay.
masakit sa tyan [feeling ko bumabaliktad bituka ko sa sakit]
masakit sa puso.

hay.
one year.

isang taon na ang itinatagal ng pagmamahal na toh.

hanggang kailan?
hindi ko alam.

pero alam ko kasalanan.
alam ko.

magalit ka na.
wala akong magagawa dyan, wala din akong magawa sa sarili ko e. LOL. -_-

bumaliktad lalo ang sikmura ko ng makita ko ang post sa bulletin board sa friendster.
mamaya nalang ulit.

susubukan ko munang matulog.

now playing:

"para sa'yo lamang ang puso kong ito. magpakailan pa man. asahan mo~"
- Freestyle

_pishbolera.

break down.

lol. I am so tired.

I've been sleeping so late since the beginning of the week.
It's like a 1am - 3am week nights.
I've been sleepy since the beginning of the week too.
It's like the laziest days I have inside a classroom but I'm doing all the work though.

Last night was a "3am night." I finished my project for my English presentation today.
It went great. They liked it.

Well. Well.
Tomorrow's Friday so... yay!

I was sleeping earlier at the front of my laptop when Mom woke me up.
Coz' she was laughing at me. -____-

I decided not to do the essay due tomorrow.

Uhh, what else.
Yeah, pretty busy.
Really wanted to stay busy at all times.
Don't want to think of the longing for different pleasant things that happened before in terms of friends, and.. uhh etc.
It just makes me cry a bit. zzz~

So yea, I'm focusing on my studies and I feel I'm about to break down.
Especially today.
I just got so tired, I guess.

I'm missing a lot of things but I don't wanna complain how's everything going.
I'm letting everyone live their lives how they want it to be.

This blog entry doesn't make any sense, at all. O.o
I'm so sleepy, night.

_nostalgic pishbolera.

masamang panaginip.

sa cafeteria ng Carson High School,
may mga di kilalang lalaki ang nagsipasok.
mga holdaper ang loko.

kasama ko ang aking mga kaibigan.
sabi ko sa kanila kumalma.
sa pagiging kalmante namin, napansin pa rin kami.

hinablot ako, at tinutukan ako ng kutsilyo sa leeg, at hiningi ang gamit ko.
sabi ko naman wala akong gamit, nasa locker.
nagalit lalo ang loko at idiniin ang kutsilyo sa aking leeg.
nakita ko rin na tinutukan ng kutsilyo ang isa sa aking mga kaibigan.

naigising nalang ako bigla.
masakit ang leeg kung saan sa aking panaginip itinutok ang kutsilyo.
napansin ko rin na nakatigil aq sa paghinga ng ako'y nagising.

...

To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold Utopian dream
You do something to me, that I can't explain.

Everything I did the past few days is considered a sin.
Days? Weeks? No maybe months.
Not only to one person, but there's two of them.
Or maybe not just two.

I realized I never let go. Never did, never knew when.

I always find myself, reminiscing and crying.

It's foolish. I know.
I'm sorry to whoever might read this bunch of crap.

Would I be out of line if I say I miss you?
No. I miss you too.
- June 20, 2008.

The day was really frustrating.

Well. It was really frustrating in some ways.

1. Mr. Sugawara (one of the favorite teachers) wasn't able to attend the Open House.
I really wanted Mom to meet him~

2. The Academic Decathlon interview has been rescheduled.
They will just give us another notification when it will be held.

3. I didn't really enjoy the Open House.
Back to #1 reason. LOL.
And some other personal reasons.

When Mom and I were walking back home, I felt the exhaustion.
I felt like the day of excitement just went down under where I was stepping on. ~_~

When we got home, I stayed in silence.
Even though I heard my tummy growling because I was starving, I chose to just take a nap.
I felt like crying, I just felt everything. ~_~

I'm getting weird and weirder every day. O.o

Good part of the day was on Ms. Tucker's class.
That's it LOL.
And yeah she let me hold her dog Minnie, wahaha. :))
I had a picture taken with Minnie, thanks Tine. :)

_pishbolera

Can't calm down.

Whew.
Okay, I just can't calm down.

One, because tomorrow's my interview for the Academic Decathlon.
Two, we have a quiz on Algebra tomorrow.
And you know how I always get nervous on Math quizzes and stuff.
And three, because I can't help not to smile because of what happened later after school. :)

I got the chance to walk with him.
But we really didn't talk that much.
He's with a friend and I'm with a friend. Soo..~

So yeah.
I'm nervous for tomorrow.
I can hear my tummy growling because of anxiety.
Whew.~
Good luck Good luck Good luck~

_pishbolera
the tranquil mind has faded completely.
and it's because of you.

1:15am

It's weird, I just felt to post something o.O

I've been missing a lot of stuff from here and there.
There: My family, friends and my dogs (Sasquatch has fully grown. damn) back in Pinas.
Here: And the mood I always had when I'm with him.

Spring break is almost over and I wasn't able to do the stuffs I have to do with this blog.
The stuffs that I have to put in here that happened almost a year ago.

Hm, so nothing unusual with this post.
Gaaaah~ I want a Golden Retriever and Siberian Husky soooo baaaaad~
Weh? Random. -___-

And I found myself, crying.

mouth is shut, mind is screaming.

I've been quiet nowadays, but I can't help but let my mind scream.

Yesterday was a downfall.
I had another argument with Mom. As usual, it was same problem.
I was trying to hold back every tear yesterday, then when they decided to go out to buy something, as soon as they closed the door.. I stopped doing my homework and began to cry.
I cried silently for a moment. Then I washed my face with cold water, just like someone told me to do after done crying.

It felt hopeless yesterday; it was the first time that I felt I've got no one left to run to.
No one but God.

I slept early, though I cried a little before getting into a deep sleep.
I learned something new, to cry silently.
I've always been a crybaby all my life. It could still change, I hope.
---
I felt weak today. But I did not let what happened to interfere with my performance inside the classroom. But my Biology teacher noticed something is wrong.

---
It's funny how they say how brave I am to some sort of things, but I have to tell you..
I really am afraid of everything.
Now, I'm afraid of meeting new people again.
I'm afraid to have this kind of feeling again.
---

"It's hard to find precious gems in places like this."
No one left, but God.
No more. No more.

_pishbolera.
.. from attachments to detachments.

attachments. hurts when it's time to let go.

I'm keeping everything to my self from now on.
I'd better stop expecting.
It just hurts everyday, and feels like nothing's there.
To everyone,
I'd keep everything as part of the business.
Just business, not making anything important out of it.

I remember keeping the tears a week ago.
It's sad to think that there's no more -------
Maybe Mom is right, it's hard to find precious gems in a place like this.

Business would be business.
I don't wanna get attached any more. It hurts when you know they want to get rid of you.
No more. No more attachments, just business.

" When you are weak, I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me, I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on..."
- I remember hearing this song from the TV; 2/22/09.

"For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what ......"
- a song of a true ......

As those songs slowly fades away~
No more.

_pishbolera.

pictures.

The memorable pictures.
The ones I always wanted to look at.
It will always make me smile a little; yet will always give me a pinch of heartache.
I won't regret looking at it, never.
As much as I have never regretted for having you once in my life.

The sparkle we once had in our eyes would be the evidence of how many perfect blissful moments we had...
in OUR world.
- a quote popped out from pishbolera's mind.

_pishbolera

changes.

Last night, I dreamed of looking at OUR friendship rings.

As I stare at it on the palm of my hand, the ring started to melt in some way and the word "BEST" started to peel off slowly from it.

I hope that was just a plain dream.

Coz' you see, dreams sometimes make you foresee the future.

_pishbolera

magical.

-blog title inspired by Ms. Vernon-

hm.

You still make me smile in your most effortless and natural way.
Every sound you make, every move you make.
I just don't know, I can't explain it.
Everything seems magical with you.

Is there a hidden meaning for the last conversations we had?

_pishbolera
.. as the tranquil mind fades away~

Distractions. Nuisance.

hm. Second day of Spring Semester; nothing but the usual, same-same old stuff unlike yesterday.
Well I liked my first and third period though.. -Vernon's US Hist and Cobb's Contemporary Composition-

Uhh. What else.. Oh yeah, Period 5 which is Algebra 2.
Just so you know... I hate Math.
I hate that subject, I always do. :))
In addition, that the teacher is quite... too much of a serious type that students typically hate.
And plus the fact that HE's there. Just a seat away from me.
It was really distracting.

So yeah. I'm planning to switch classes. I'd probably switch to Mr. Batucal for my Algebra class though regardless of the fact that it's still unavoidable to see him every 5th period, at least that would lessen the distraction.

Hm. And I'm planning not to switch my other classes.
I might keep my Contemporary Composition as my third period so he won't be my classmate in my fourth period.

So really.. I'm actually thinking of completely avoiding him.

Oh yea.. Today was actually annoying.
Yesterday, he was asking me to help him with his computer to remove this virus thingy in his computer. When I got home, I downloaded this program that would help him fix his freakin' computer and planned to ask him by the next day for some necessary infos and other remedies for his computer.
But hey guess what... He didn't talk to me or anything. At all.

Then this one friend told me the next period that HE got his computer fixed already.
It was effin' annoying.

Aaak.
I'm really distracted for the day; I'm really annoyed for how he acted.
Nodded me once for the whole day?!
WTF?!
Didn't even bother to say a word.. A WORD!!! To tell me I don't have to worry about the computer anymore!
Tssh.

_pishbolera.
oh yea. Jhang and I got a haircut today! ^________^

first day of spring sem '09

ok. first things first, I 'd like to make this blog entry simple and short.

So how would I describe the first day of spring semester.

One word, crazy.

My goooooosh, I can't really describe here in this blog entry how my schedule drove me crazy!!
I mean.. uggggh, for some reason, it really bugs me.... in a good and funny way.

Aaah!
I never thought he'd talk to me again that way. Never.

Okay, better stop.
I bet my last cents that someone would BRUTALLY KILL ME if I say more of this crap.

_pishbolera
me being a nincompoop again? X 3

Better in Time

Hmm. Wondering what's with the title again?
You'll find out later. Just go ahead and read.
---
Hmm, I haven't posted anything for eight days, coz' finaaaaaallllyyyyyy I'm back to schooooool~!
So yea, I'm on my new routine, going to school early. They we're teasing me if that was the effect of the accident that happened; but the truth is, it's my New Year's Resolution.
And it was the first time I had one. LOLOL.
Well, after the accident happened; I think too much of random things and I easily get a headache.
I think that's the real effect of it.
---
So yesterday, January 23, 2009;
- It was my Mom's birthday :] I was the first one to greet her :p
- We had a field trip in UCLA, it was fun fun fun.
.. I felt crying while we we're on the bus. I just remembered something.
Something happened on June 3, 2008.
Curious what it ist? Go read my OLD posts, and find the blog entry that has June 3 in it. XDD

.. So yeah the day went on, we had fun, I was in Halo-Halo team with John and Jham. We won the most spirited Team award and we also won the Four Corners game together with team Lumpia.
.. Carson High won high the Most Spirited School award. Yii, C-House~!!
---
Today, January 24, 2009;
- Saturday School in Cal-State.
- A "merienda-date" with my Mom in Mcdo (just to make it up to her for our canceled date on Jan. 12)
.. I was looking around, I stared at our spot. I stared, and thought as if I was watching myself during those days. I really am happy those days.
.. We saw my "so-called-dad/so-called-husband-of-Jham" Dean. It was actually nice to see him again.
.. We walked home, then I went to sleep.
- I woke up, watched some vids that was taken yesterday and ended up listening to Better in Time by Leona Lewis.
.. Theeeeeeeeeere you gooooo, that ends up the wondering. lol.
---
If I'll put some of the lines from the song just like what I did in my previous posts, this blog entry could end up with the whole lyrics of the song.
Yeah, that's how much this song affects me right now.
Sh*t, tinamaan ako. Sapul ba?
LoL I realized I just started listening to Leona Lewis because of the Bleeding Love song; the song that basically became the kilig song even though it's really a song for the broken.
Theeeeen, I became a fan after hearing "Yesterday" and "Better in Time."
Realizing that I CAN ACTUALLY RELATE TO IT.
---
One thing that's bothering me was something I read in Friendster bulletin a while ago. I'm not sure though if it's her or him. The post says that it's him, but as for the attitude it's telling me that IT IS her.
---
I talked to one of my good friends and reminded me that I have my present, the one who's trying to fill up everything.
Man, I'm actually lost for words; whether to say it in Tagalog or English. I just can't explain it.
Okay okay, I'm thinking not to post this blog entry na. :)) It's becoming one whole crappy thing.
I'm actually stucked with the song, kasi nga tinatamaan ako.
Okay enough of this, really this crap is getting annoying. :))
I felt crying earlier and just thought to type anything to stop the feeling.
Chaa~ I don't wanna stop typing, I know what will happen after this.
---

♪~It's gonna hurt when it heals too~♪
♪~It'll all get better in time~♪
♪~And even though I really love you~♪
♪~I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to~♪
- Leona Lewis

---
_pishbolera
.. crappy post. -____- I was filled up with thoughts (at least better than this one) the past week in school, but I didn't get the chance to post it here. You know, making up for my 1week absent. -___-
.. putragis, ano ba meron sa'yo?! taena. -________-

Lesson Learned ... ?

I'm on my random thinking again.
It's 12:06am and obviously, I'm still awake.
I was told by several people to sleep early, but yet I disobeyed them, again. LOLOL.

I just finished watching some video clips from eketc's channel in Youtube.
I was trying to store this one dance routine in my head, and I think it's becoming more of a headache. o.O

Well as my youtubing continues, I clicked this video that has a title of "Urban Legends: Mari Martin" it was one good dance, sort of' difficult though. So yeah I watched it and the song caught me.
I couldn't catch up on listening for the lyrics so I just looked up on the comments and saw the title of the song.
It was called "Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys.

I listened to it as I read the lyrics.
I was devoured by the lyrics.
The music stopped then I played it again, then I went to my Friendster account.

As I listen to the song over and over, (it's actually still playing up to now)
I read some of the messages I sent him.
The messages that he still haven't read yet.
I sent it to an account I made and will hopefully give to him one day.

I felt silly as I read the messages, knowing the fact that he doesn't even know anything about it.
Not even a single clue.
I felt stupid as I listen to the song. Lesson Learned.

Haven't I still got the lesson? It's been six months.. Cold six months. It's actually close to seven.
Six months, and still.. It breaks my heart.

♪ ~ Mistake overturned so I called it a lesson learned ~ ♪
♪~ My soul has retuned so I call it a lesson learned ~ ♪
- Alicia Keys

And still, I believe I haven't learned the lesson yet.
There are still missing pieces.

---
But it's funny how I never regretted for it.
To love someone you're not supposed to.
To change yourself completely for that someone.
To just keep holding on when you're suppose to let go.
To keep on loving until it hurts--regardless of the fact that you feel helpless and hopeless.
I will never have any regrets for it. Never.

"Love until it hurts, that's the real meaning of sacrifice."
- Fr. Demi Bugayong

---
Well it takes time; just like my loving cousin always told me. Love you couz' :]
_pishbolera

♪~ Nasa aking guniguni malamig mong tinig ~♪
♪~ Kasabay ng hangin na dumarampi ~♪
♪~ Na para bang ika'y nariyan sa aking paligid ~♪
♪~ Tahimik na nagmamasid ~♪
- SpongeCola

Gerard Anthony Morales Matel.
radz:3
i miss you.

a response.

hm, I usually don't do this with my own blog.. But it's for you anyway so... yea. :p
---
I finished reading your blog two hours ago but I'm still thinking about it.
Well I remember everything, or at least everything that has me in it. LOL.
I also remembered everything that you posted about him.
I knooow, I knooooow. YOU ARE happy with him. I have seen that from the very start.
I actually giggled a bit on his attitude that I've seen based on what you typed on your blog.
I'd admit, I thought some of it was really cute.
Maybe I was just a little.. or REALLY worried about you.
I probably wouldn't tell here why, coz' I know you already know.
---
Well I wanted to say sorry for what happened earlier, I guess I have overreacted a little bit again.
I just wanted to say what was on my mind, I don't want anything to linger again. There's too much of anything else to think about, and I'm not letting our arguments be an addition to it.
---
About your blog, LOL, I smile a bit whenever I see my name! LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Am I that special? HAHAHA
Hmm, and about your most recent post.. Here's what I have to say..

I always stay for those people who wants me to.
But don't just tell me you want me to stay.
Show it.
Words are not enough, it could never be enough.
Tell me you want me to stay but showing me the opposite thing; that sounds pretty bizarre, don't you think?
Remember that words and action sounds the loudest, always.

---

I don't know why I care this much to her that I dont wanna lose her, even tho she'd hurt me more than once. I just dont wanna lose her. That's all.
- from your most recent post

I care for you more than you could ever imagine.
I don't wanna lose you either.
You did hurt me more than once, I just never showed it.
---
You see, I've never been this protective to any of my closest friends; you're the first one to experience this from me. One big bad luck, isn't it?
Maybe it was time that changed me or it's just.. I think of unnecessary things too much.
Our arguments might be as simple as that, like what I did earlier. I don't wanna get used to it.

I don't wanna get used to the arguments coz' I know (I just know it) that the next thing could happen is
our friendship putting on to waste.
Don't believe me? Let's give it a try then. :p

I'll just spill the things I wanna say then just clear up the conversation window then give a laugh emoticon and start a new topic.
That's how I ended it earlier right?
* Okay this part here is getting a little confusing. cut~
---.
The thought of talking to him formally and knowing him more came up to my interest while reading your blog. Hey hey hey, don't get too excited, I don't even know when or how. Just the thought of talking to him deeply about you and him makes me wanna cry. You know how much disappointment I felt about you and THE past.
And you also know that I'm still aware that someone in silence is still hurting, that person just don't wanna show it. And I still do care for her, even though you're much more important to me.
Only time could tell when and how things will work.
---

Jessel Jam Ibañez
Jham
Jhang
Nay
BetBay
My bestfriend.

Just what I said, seeing my name on your blog made me smile, I hope this one made you smile too :p
---
Hmm, so yea, I think that's it. Just what I have said before, "words can never be enough" and I don't wanna sound TOO "corny" on this response. I'm not used to it, saying things like this publicly to my best friend.

I will stay as long as you want me to. Just don't make any drastic changes, it drives me crazy.

---
i love you BetBay :p (what a weird name we have for each other)
i love you newest Bestfriend. :)
---
off topic: I was watching Bulagaan earlier and heard this "spell bobo, spell boWboW" from Vic Sotto (I think?)
I just remembered a video clip that was made by some classmates on our Geometry class last Spring Semester '08. That someone special was on it. Hehe. Yes, it was him, Gerard.. radz.
---
Tata for now~ I'm actually should be sleeping right now but I wanted to get this done before I go to sleep.
^________^

_pishbolera
.. LOL this blog is getting MORE revealing than before, I used to put WHITE fonts on it (same with the background color) but now I'm not. LOL. Didn't notice it? Go read everything again. Haha. LOLOLOLOL

Serein

Hmm, weird title isn't it?
Well okay, I'll do the best way to explain how I came up with this title.

I watched some Mr. Bean (animated) clips from YouTube. *rofls* Oh how I missed watching it.
Well I've seen this episode again titled In the Woods; where Mr. Bean tried to take pictures of these wild animals.
At the last parts of the video, the clip focused on foxes. Well the clip reminded me of how cute foxes are (especially the arctic ones) so I did some research about foxes. XD

Well I typed "Fox" on Wikipedia, I read the article, and later on I saw this Kitsune link. (Japanese Word for Fox.)
I clicked it for two reasons:

1. Because it's a Japanese word.
2. Because it reminded me of an item in Ragnarok Online. And you guys know how I'm addicted to the said online game. -.-

So yeah, I read it and found it very interesting; how it was associated with stories, magical abilities, with some religion and stuffs. It was also said here that a Kitsune is often portrayed as lovers, with the usual happenings that it involves with a young human male and a Kitsune who takes the form of a young woman.

One part in the article really caught my interest because I've heard of it before:

Other stories tell of kitsune marrying one another. Rain falling from a clear sky — a sunshower — is sometimes called kitsune no yomeiri or the kitsune's wedding, in reference to a folktale describing a wedding ceremony between the creatures being held during such conditions.

A lot of people with the same age as I am probably heard of this before.
Well so yeah, I clicked the sunshower link and saw this word:

Serein - is the word for a rain falling from a cloudless sky.

The word itself and the definition lingered on my thoughts. I knew it has something that applies with me or with other people.

I haven't heard of the said word before so I typed it on dictionary.com and clicked the other link that relates to it.

se - rein [suh-ran]
–noun Meteorology. fine rain falling after sunset from a sky in which no clouds are visible.
- A mist, or very fine rain, which sometimes falls from a clear sky a few moments after sunset. --Tyndall.

and the meaning from the link I clicked (wordsmith.org):

noun: Fine rain falling from an apparently cloudless sky, typically observed after sunset.

Now that I've finally gave you the meaning of my blog title, it's probably obvious what kind of mood I am having now.
Yes pishbolera is back on the so called emote mode/emo mode.
Gee, I guess that accident made my thinking of unnecessary things even worse.

Okay. Back on discussing people.

How did I see it as an application to myself and to other people?
You know how we choose to cry (oh man not this again) whenever we know there's no one can see us?
.. Or how we choose to cry silently so no one could hear us?
.. Or how we choose to cry the finest way that people can't even notice our tears?
You know how we fake a smile so people won't see that pain is actually killing us inside?

People usually cry after sunset.
People usually tend to look fine so they could avoid questions from other people.

.. Hmm didn't get my point? Go read the definition again.
---
I found this on wordsmith.org under the definition of the word serein. I just thought it has the same interpretation to what I have just said.

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

Journalism is publishing what someone doesn't want us to know, the rest is propaganda.
-Horacio Verbitsky, journalist (b. 1942)

---
See this blog entry packed with exaggeration? I'd apologize for that.
I just want to share how I see the similarities of crying to the word serein.
---
_pishbolera
ok ok. back to rest~

awww. ouch.

hm. I didn't go to school. again.
My neck and head still hurts.
I slept at 1am and woke up at 5am, nauna pa ko nagising sa alarm clock ko.
I can't get up easily, and my head hurts, so I decided not to go to school; my mom agreed.
Hmm, I tried getting back to sleep again but man, I can't sleep.
My mom turned off the lights, I turned it back again after feeling the dizziness without the lights.
I felt crying for a moment.
----
Hmm. 7am, I got tired of trying to sleep and just sat, staring at the wall.
I checked on my laptop, lots of them left a message.
I talked to one of my friends in Pinas. It was Gideon. Gidz, my first love.
Well we talked about my condition and told me that I should get my check-up immediately.
I told him I don't want to coz' I'm scared what they will find out and what they might do to me. o.O
He scolded me and said:

" Kesa naman mamatay ka. ungas. "

----
Hmm, shortly after that, I had my breakfast with Mom.
Then I went back to sleep.
My mom is about to go out and help Tita Cory with some stuffs.
While I was in sleep, I suddenly felt that somebody was staring at me.
I moved and saw my mom staring at me.
LOL, I knew she was checking if I'm still breathing.
Well, can't blame her, this is one serious accident.
----
3:35pm, I woke up. I continued reading my older posts in this blog.
I missed the late nights after reading my post about watching TV during 1am-6am while drinking coffee or tea.
I miss Conan O' Brien.
hmm, what else?
I realized I'm much of a different person. I can't even recognize myself typing those blog entries (the older ones)
Man, what happened? o.O
----
_ pishbolera; yay! back on blogging again!

first day of school for 2009.

man, I was a little excited going to school today.
I woke up early, it felt WEIRD.
I usually go to school a little LATE. :))
hm. yeah, first period; PE.
We saw Mr. Sakurai carrying the stuffs for football; I heard complains everywhere,
I even heard myself complaining about it.
I don't wanna get sweaty today, man, not now. -.-
---
ok, weird ulit. nag-eenglish na naman ako, TAE.
ok so ayun, ayun nga naglalaro, saya nung una ako nakakuha nung ball, tapos lahat ng teammates ko binantayan ako :))
kaso ayun, nakuha pa rin flag ko. rawr.
hmm. basta ayun, naglalaro naman ako ng maayos.
basta biglang..
nung ittry ko sana saluhin ung bola, biglang this BIG guy appeared in front of me o.O
di niya ata ako napansin sa likod niya, eh ayun na out of balance siya, so natumba xa; NADAGANAN AKO, AT NATUMBA AKO SA GROUND.
omg. FIRST TIME ko matumba ng SOLID sa ground. -.-
ang sakit tae, basta bigla ko nalang narinig may teacher (Mr. Mason and Ms. Hernandez) na sa tabi ko, I was still lying on the ground, can't get up, eyes closed, feeling dizzy.
ayun, some reality questions just to check if I really am okay o.O
I got up, but still, my head hurts.
I really still didn't want to get up, but tss, I don't wanna make a big scenario right there.
- oh yeah, after I told them that I'm alright, my classmates applauded. LOL. -.-
Ayun pinaupo muna ko sa bench; Ms. Hernandez told me that someone will pick me up and they will bring me to the Nurse's Office.
She asked my locker number and she said that her T.A. will get my stuffs and give it to the office.
Then ayun, dumating na yung golf car, ako daw unang isasakay dun ngayong 2009, TAE.
Dinala ako sa Nurse's Office.
Basta ayun, tinawag si Mama, at etoh, pinauwi ako.
oh yeah, I was also diagnosed with fever. o.O
----
I felt a little sad, I really wanna go to school today.
Hmm, okay back to rest.
My head and neck hurts.
And I feel like my ears and nose are about to bleed. -.-
----
hmm, first day of school, first accident of the year.

oh well, another year.

hm. year 2009 has just begun. XDD
it's 2:24 in the morning, and of course it's normal to see PISHBOLERA still awake at this kind of time.

hm. let's see. i'm taking a "little sip" [well AM i SURE?!] of something that would help me fall asleep.
jusme friends, I still didn't get any sleep for the past 34hours. (and still counting. rawr)
and why?! because i was planning to UPDATE all of my freakin' stuffs; friendster pictures, this blog, etc.
but hey, I almost finished uploading pictures in my Friendster account :p
hm, but I didn't even get my blog half done. omg.

i just typed this to pour in the exact mood i am having right now in this blog entry.
coz you see, if i do the "flashback" thingy again it'll lose the "real thrill" out of it.
and it sucks.
but yea, im'ma continue the flashbacks thingy just to fill up the space within the past eight months.
heck. eight months.

so yeah. it's new year.
so what about it?! how did i celebrate it?
here in CA, it's not that much fun unlike the way we Filipinos celebrate it in our homeland.
it's pretty.. hm.. lame.

well, I had a different way of celebrating New Year this time unlike the way I celebrated it last year.
last year was so full of drama, err, homesick.
but now, hm, i guess much better. i was freakin' loooud. o.O
but yes, i have to admit, the past few days .. nights? err.. late nights.. we're pretty full of dramas.

i'm back on losing my appetite again.
and it's because of HIM.
i can't sleep normally.
and it's because of HIM.
i was crying the past few late nights.
and it's because of HIM.
it really hurts in the most painful way.
and it's because of HIM.
yet, I'm smiling right now,
and still, it's because of HIM.
i was with him in this one online game. yes. until 12mn.
i was with him when 2009 began.
i greeted him and he greeted me. it was still somehow a little bit awkward. well, it takes time.
i gave him the /kis2 and /kis emoticons. hehe :]

err. you were just with him in an online game, big deal?! get over it.
LOL. my "present" didn't even called nor texted to greet me a happy new year.
so what can you expect? :p

---
okay. i'm feeling pretty weird with my talking.
why am i typing english? LOL?
sooo, another year.
i'm really looking forward to the "continuation" of the unfinished chapters of OUR love story.
lols.
i realized that i had a lot of changes.
hehe.